Living in Binaries

A Flight

tianyanliu — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 08:32:43 +0000

I wish I could fly,
but I ain’t got wings, so I fold my soul into a paper plane, and let it glide.

Before the gravity takes it out of sight,
before the storm leaves it high and dry,
let it cross your sky.

That peaceful beautiful blue blue sky,
where the sun is up and shine,
where the moon is round and bright.

If it was just for a minute, I know that the bliss cannot be denied.

Please give it a try,
don’t let my soul cry.

The Point

tianyanliu — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 00:06:54 +0000

I have been just really really busy for sometime now. Well maybe has been for a long time, it all started when I got a job with school at the same time. It was like I boarded this non-stop fast train that just goes on and on. I constantly feel tired, and constantly feel the need to stop, but never did. Then I slowly realize one thing, I have become a prisoner of my own life. Maybe this is what modern life really is, you are just busy doing something, then you forget why you are doing it in the first place, but somehow you feel obliged to keep going. Strangely enough, it is until recently the need to find the meaning behind all these has started haunting through out the day.

In Steve Jobs’ speech at Stanford in 2005, he said that we ought to have faith believing in what we do, because after all, that is all we have. The value of what we are doing now can only be reflected in the future. These were not the exact words, but just the idea. I totally agree with the idea, but when I look at today’s world and look back, it is just impossible to have any faith at all.

Hundreds of years ago, people went to other’s land, took their wealth, and their lives along the process. They came home being loved and treated as heroes. What is happening now is of litter difference. People go to other’s land take their oil, and their beloved ones along the process. The come home being loved, because they have just saved one dollar for people’s daily gas budgets. So what’s changed? Only now, people have better weapons that take out more lives with a single blow. And the satellite can broadcast the live killing picture to people over their breakfast, which is apparently of little effect to their numb conscience. It really seems like science is not taking us anywhere closer to our civilization, but rather to our demise.

The One

tianyanliu — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 00:12:35 +0000

Somedays, I am proud to stand on my own feet;
Somedays, I need warm arms around me;
Somedays, I embrace the sunshine;
Somedays, I hide in the dark;

Those days, you give me the strength;
Those days, you hold me tight;
Those days, you are beside me;
Those days, you seek and save me;

Everyday, I carry on and fight through the harshness of life, coz I know at the end of the tunnel there is you waiting and smiling.

Blinded By Sight

tianyanliu — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 11:55:45 +0000

Close your eyes, in the darkness you may not trust your senses, but before long, your nose, your ears, and your finger tips will reveal a whole new world for you.

Having lived all these years, I finally realize how deceiving my sight is, it’s kept me from experiencing many beautiful things around us. The sound of rail, the scent of summer, the smoothness of window, sitting right here inside this compartment, the train has become much more than just a modern transportation with multi-wagon. It is a world, a little world of mine. the talking fades into the background, while the rail is trying to give it some rhythm; the rose on her bag keeps on tickling my nose; the window is unwillingly heated up by the sun, and yet doesn’t give up seeking the shadow to cool itself down. It is a distant wonderland, with this peace for my soul, this freedom for my mind, and this ease for my heart.

An Eternal Memory

tianyanliu — Sun, 22 Oct 2006 12:39:51 +0000

Empty minded staring at my computer screen, the beautiful blue flowers are absolutely still in time. They are blooming in a perfect way, in the sun, giving me the unforgetable smile.

Slowly everything is blurred again. Yes, I know this is the third time I couldn’t be myself, gravity acts specially strong on my tears today, the more I try to hold them, the quicker they are pulled down.

“Take them, take as much as you want, you ruthless bastard!”

The deformed blue flowers start laughing at my weakness, my stupidity. For the first time in my life, I feel like such a coward, being laughed but not having the slightest strength to tighten my fists. The shaking fingers can only try their best to beg the cursor to crawl forward.

“Why are you doing this to her? How could you be happily up there enjoying your immortality, while having this terrible curse on your angel?”

He refuses to answer, not even bothered to give a sign.

She is an angel, and was sent to bring happiness to the people. God loves her so much and couldn’t live long without her, so he made sure that she would come back to him. So many of us need happiness in our lives, and we are arranged to meet her. She doesn’t know why, but she tirelessly carries out her duty – lighting up every dark corner of our soul.

I found out the secret about her, and as a mortal I could not stop wanting to have her forever with us. But God, this selfish God wouldn’t listen to my crying, wouldn’t see my wet sleeves, wouldn’t care my bleeding heart.

If only I could use my seconds to keep her time going, if only I could use my tears to keep her eyes shining, if only I could use my life to keep her heart beating, I would give anything in this world.

Behind Instant Messaging

tianyanliu — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 18:31:52 +0000

So there I sat, trying to chat with this girl and try to catch a few glimpse of Grey’s Anatomy in between. It always feels great to talk to her, because we have a good connection, besides the chemistry. This time the topic somehow moved onto personal and emtional stuff. Don’t remember how the conversation ended up to that point, but I started to confess about my emotional problem. I’ve always thought the first step to fight your demon is to face it.

I most of the times find it difficult to love someone as who they are. Can’t say I never loved anyone, but just never this selfless and devoted way. The ironic thing is that I would like someone to love me as who I am, because it feels great. Ok, I do sound like a self-absorbed idiot, but I guess that is who I am sometimes. Still try to find out the reason myself, think it is probably my immaturity.

She responded well to my confession. Didn’t seem to take it too personally. After a short pause, she felt obligated to confess something to me as well. Hmmmmmmmmm, this could be interesting. However, she did seem really reluctant to tell me further about it. After some persuation driven my curiocity, she said it was related to me in a way. Hey, we had known each other only for a week now, she is wonderful, but didn’t think I could/should get hurt in anyway from a one-week-relationship.

It was another guy, that is how the story goes most of the time anyway. It was actually an ex, now this is becoming more classic by second. I remember that we have talked about this guy once before, she felt really strong for the guy. I did ask how they broke up. Yeah I usually don’t put a harness on my curiocity, nor on my mouth. At that time, she didn’t really answer the question, but I saw the answer in her eyes. That calm, clear blue relected the deepest sadness. Here now, she mentioned him again, and he just came back into her life. Me, out of all people understand exactly how confusing, and frustrating the feelings must be. Someone that for many times you have imagined spending every minute of your life with, who left for one reason or another just sunk you to the bottom of the sea, now is back. We are opportunity takers, and possess pathetic obsessions with happy-ever-after. Shall I board this love boat again which almost had me killed? It is a dilemma between your brain and your heart, almost without exception, we choose the latter.

I said what I thought was the right thing to say. Yeah, I told her that I was fine with this, and I should give her the space to figure things out. Oh yeah and that one thing, we should be friends. Was I really fine, I don’t know. It was almost funny that how I used instant messaging to communicate with her in a profound way a few minutes back, and now I shielded myself behind it, trying to be the big boy.

It was a sleepless night for me, I guess I liked her more than I thought…

A Scribble from the Past

tianyanliu — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 18:05:04 +0000

I did a few poems a while back, when I was probably still a teen. You know how it goes, that is what teens do all the time. Somehow I like this one the most, still felt the same sometimes. Thanks to the girl who inspired me.

Suns or moons
They are my suns, too far to reach, but the distance will never manage to dull their brightness.
Light is what they create, but I am so afraid to look into them;
for that I know the warmth will heat up my blood, and melt my senses.
Please, don’t close them, a cloudy day would bring the deepest sadness to my soul.

They are my moons, too near to miss, but the distance will never be able to quench my desire.
Purity is what they show, and I am so inspired to look into them;
for that I know the softness will calm down my pulse, and ease my pain.
Please, don’t close them, a moonless night would bring the biggest fear to my heart.