Living in Binaries

So there I sat, trying to chat with this girl and try to catch a few glimpse of Grey’s Anatomy in between. It always feels great to talk to her, because we have a good connection, besides the chemistry. This time the topic somehow moved onto personal and emtional stuff. Don’t remember how the conversation ended up to that point, but I started to confess about my emotional problem. I’ve always thought the first step to fight your demon is to face it.

I most of the times find it difficult to love someone as who they are. Can’t say I never loved anyone, but just never this selfless and devoted way. The ironic thing is that I would like someone to love me as who I am, because it feels great. Ok, I do sound like a self-absorbed idiot, but I guess that is who I am sometimes. Still try to find out the reason myself, think it is probably my immaturity.

She responded well to my confession. Didn’t seem to take it too personally. After a short pause, she felt obligated to confess something to me as well. Hmmmmmmmmm, this could be interesting. However, she did seem really reluctant to tell me further about it. After some persuation driven my curiocity, she said it was related to me in a way. Hey, we had known each other only for a week now, she is wonderful, but didn’t think I could/should get hurt in anyway from a one-week-relationship.

It was another guy, that is how the story goes most of the time anyway. It was actually an ex, now this is becoming more classic by second. I remember that we have talked about this guy once before, she felt really strong for the guy. I did ask how they broke up. Yeah I usually don’t put a harness on my curiocity, nor on my mouth. At that time, she didn’t really answer the question, but I saw the answer in her eyes. That calm, clear blue relected the deepest sadness. Here now, she mentioned him again, and he just came back into her life. Me, out of all people understand exactly how confusing, and frustrating the feelings must be. Someone that for many times you have imagined spending every minute of your life with, who left for one reason or another just sunk you to the bottom of the sea, now is back. We are opportunity takers, and possess pathetic obsessions with happy-ever-after. Shall I board this love boat again which almost had me killed? It is a dilemma between your brain and your heart, almost without exception, we choose the latter.

I said what I thought was the right thing to say. Yeah, I told her that I was fine with this, and I should give her the space to figure things out. Oh yeah and that one thing, we should be friends. Was I really fine, I don’t know. It was almost funny that how I used instant messaging to communicate with her in a profound way a few minutes back, and now I shielded myself behind it, trying to be the big boy.

It was a sleepless night for me, I guess I liked her more than I thought…